I read once that Maya Angelou, when writing her autobiography, locked herself in a hotel room with her bible and a bottle of sherry. I love that picture, a brave woman facing herself with only a bible and a bottle. I find myself doing that when the anger or pain gets too much-finding comfort in old texts and the occasional sip of vodka to steady my hand. Sometimes that’s all you can do when fighting demons off. Brandish your glass and say “To hell with you, death. I’ve faced you before and I’ll face you again.” And when the tears come remember that you were strong enough to face it then; you’ll make it through today.
Reading through Caitlyn Siehl’s “Crybaby” today and relishing each word. She has such an ability to put tenderness and thought into each sentence. Here is an excerpt from her book.
“A God Eats -By Caitlyn Siehl
Dreaming, now, of God eating
He unhinges his jaw, swallows it whole like a serpent.
There is no light. Not a single fire to be seen on any stretch of grass
God eats the flames, too. Wishing
to be bigger than any of the stories.
If I were a story, I’d be the one that saves you when God comes to eat the yellow star
from your throat.
I’d be the
torch that sends him back to the blackness
that he wants to put inside of you.
I’d tell the darkness to keep its hands off you. Not because I own you
But because nothing does.”
And here is my own thought for the day.
“I still remember what it felt like
To be taught that my sadness is more beautiful than my anger
I am a power to be reckoned with and you were afraid of me burning
You were afraid that when I burned the fire would like your darkness
Would light your darkness
And seething we would pull your skeleton hand out of the wreckage
And you would still be holding on
Your face to cover your lies
Money is a poor excuse for love mother
You withheld it when you were angry
Now I burn it to cover your holes
Your wedding dress is dipped in the anguish of the children you buried in your emptiness
The blood of the heart and soul you could never have
I want to shed my skin
But really I want to shed you
Layer by layer
Cell by cell
Until your ravaging no longer deforms my face into a permanent wall of tears
Until I am fire
And you are ash”